I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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