Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
