i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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