who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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