Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
