i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
why do cheetos always look like penises
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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