Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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