Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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