her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
