Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
