No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
