you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
