my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
