also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
