I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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