Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
