remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
