You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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