2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
