I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
