1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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