We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
