I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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