Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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