Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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