feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
