Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
