Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
vagina is talking i cant
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
