I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
