I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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