Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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