Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
