I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
