You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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