My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
