the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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