I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
