I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
