you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
