I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
