are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
