So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
