Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
