I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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