Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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