the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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