I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
