Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
