so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
