dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
